i want to eat

sad sad fat girl. Has had a really stressful week and really really really wants to eat...

damnit why do I always get back on the wagon when I am stressed...oh wait never mind I am always stressed.

I am acutely aware that my current cravings and yearnings for something sweet feels distinctly like other addictions I have faced and conquered in my past.

How did I quit smoking??? cold turkey on a whim

give up sketchy men?? cold turkey on a whim

dude. I am so going to take a shower and go to bed. Thats really what the issue is. I am tired.
Stayed up much to late having a wonderful conversation with hubs. and if I go to bed now, I am much more likely to make my 5 am date with the gym.

Food today was:

2 breakfast muffins- 500
1 apple- 100
carrots and light dip- 150
chicken Parmesan- 300
1 slice light garlic bread- 130
steamed broccoli- 25
1/2 serving wheat pasta- 100

yes sir today was a good day :)

hey look food!

Packed some food- new love in my life = grapefruit = 50 calories for the whole damn thing! Love it!
2 blueberry pumpkin flax whole wheat muffins- aka breakfast muffins- 500 calories
lean pocket - 270 cal
carrots that never got eaten


green beans and cabbage casserole with fat free stuffing on top.

Wanna know how to make fat free stuffing....make stove top and leave out the butter.

Ate this plus another half serving of casserole.
Casserole has 1 large cabbage, 1 onion, 1 cup light sour cream, 1 cup sharp cheddar, 1 lb ground turkey breasts, 1/4 lb hot sausage, 1/4 cup butter and panko bread crumbs - lots of yummyness- makes a large 9x13 dish that feeds me and hubs 2 dinners and 2 lunches each.

Other eats that went unpictured- 1 bite of a lara bar - kid and hubs stole the rest.

Note to self - buy more Lara bars they rock!

Hubs so did not believe me when i told him that it only has 3 ingredients in that flavor- peanut butter cookie = dates, peanuts salt.

also some green bean crisps thingys- 150 calories per 22- kid loved these weird cracker green bean shaped things too. Got them from Whole Foods. Depending on the sale more than likely would buy them again.

PS. Made it to the gym- 45 minute kick my ass step class and 15 minutes on the bike.

today i decided i wanted lap band surgery...watched videos online...psyched myself up, hell I even posted my desire on facebook. (not really the wisest idea)

Husbands insurance does not cover it.

In February I can opt into insurance at my work and they do cover it.

So now I have to wait.

I am not really that good at being patient or waiting.

I wanted surgery like tomorrow.

PS. I deleted the facebook posting- my feelings get hurt really easy and I hate people giving me warnings of dire consequences when all I want is to look hot in a swim suit. WHo wants to think about death??? Fuck Forrest Gump and his damn life is like a box of chocolates bullshit- I want to cheat and get the box with the map of which chocolates are which because I want to KNOW what I am going to get.

SPICY SWEET GLAZE CHICKEN
2 Tablespoons Minced Garlic
2/3 cup Apricot Preserves
1/3 cup Soy Sauce
1/3 cup Ketchup
1-2 tsp or more! spicy Asian chili sauce


Dump all parts of sauce in plastic gallon sized freezer bag, mush with hands. Add 4 chicken breasts- Cut up into chunks if you are feeling ambitious. Mush some more.
Leave in fridge overnight or put in freezer up to 2 months. If frozen let thaw overnight in fridge.

Pour sauce and chicken in greased casserole dish bake at 350 til done- depends on size cut pieces usually around 20 minutes in preheated oven, large pieces 35-45 minutes.

Serve over brown rice or egg noodles or mashed potatoes.

Breakfast muffins
2 cups whole wheat pastry flour
1/4 cup ground flax
1/4 tsp ginger
1/4 tsp nutmeg
1 1/2 tsp cinnamin
1 1/2 tsp baking soda
1 tsp baking powder
1/4 tsp salt
1 small 16 oz can pumpkin
1/2 cup brown sugar
1/2 cup honey
1/2 cup milk
3 tb oil
2 eggs
1 1/4 cup frozen blueberries (do not thaw)
3/4 cup walnuts
place all dry ingriedients including walnuts in blender- pulse til walnuts are chopped
in large bowl mix wet except blueberriesfold dry into wet, add blueberries- stir as little as possible- fold in blueberries
put in greased muffin tin- they will be very full!12 muffins- 350 22-28 minutes

250 calories per muffin

This week I have been at conference…Arkansas Counseling Association Annual Conference to be exact. LOVED IT…yes I am about the biggest dork you can meet. It makes my day to learn new things in my field. I attended sessions on pediatric bipolar, girl bullying, Jungian approach to adolescence and using creative arts with kids. Plus I had meetings for the Licensed Counselor Division in which I am secretary, got offered v ice president position but turned it down because of my plans for next year and the increase in work that it would entail.
But the most earth moving life changing epiphany creating thing that happened is that I used a coozie for the first time. LOVED IT why do I not own one of these things... why have I never used one.. why was this not on my wedding registry list???
Its cool though I got two this week at conference. One day I want to get one with my name on it.
On the eating front, no pictures but I haven’t hated myself for what I have been eating. I have not been “good” by any means- ate lots of sugar but also did things in new ways. For example threw away ice cream with chocolate sauce that was really really good but I was full. Didn’t eat more than a bite of some foods that were just meh when going out to eat.
Earlier this week I also did some things that were kind of out of character for a fat girl: decided NOT to get a birthday cake because I knew I would eat too much of it. Chose instead to have one dessert each day while on vacation. Not sure if it was the best idea but it sure was fun and there was no overeating of sweets!