I had this urge to write "oooooo pick me pick me pick me" on my Ph.D. applications.

I didnt..but i really really wanted to.

When my first draft got done I sent it to my mom for "shredding" because if nothing else she's honest. well and a good writer.

My dad called me and said "its too informal and sounds like a blog" I asked if it was entertaining and he told me yes, very and funny.

I cussed at him because i was acting like a child and he hurt my feelings and I wanted my MOTHER to read the stupid thing. I am pretty sure I referenced to my father that she sucks as a mom and support system and this is the most important thing in my life blah blah blah yeah i was like 15 again.

What can I say. I have mommy complications. Its a long story. Really short goes like this- parents divorced when i was 16, dad got custody and moved us from the big city where we had grown up to bumfuck no wheres arkansas, we spent most of our time taking turns insulting my mother and sharing stories of the mean stuff we did to her during summer visits like steal her jewelery and pawn it.

Then my parents got remarried 2 years ago on valentines day. Yeah you can throw up if you need to.

Now they are very happily married with no kids and 2 dogs and a cat in texas.

Now everyone is nice to one another and when my sister, father and I get together we have a hell of a lot less to talk about.

My mom called a couple hours after i said my mean things to dad.

She apologized. not sure she has ever done that.

Skeegy bitch.

she has been busy with her first week back to nursing school and helping my dad get ready to move to Florida for his new job. I felt petty and mean and self centered. Boo.

Then she helped me write my paper better.

Somewhat boring. but less rambling, more professional and doctor like.

Now if I dont get in I can blame my parents. lol

:)

today is a good day.

Today I completed my application for the Ph.D. Program I reallly reallly really want to be accepted into.

I am ok if I dont get in because I believe that my lifes path always works out how it is supposed to.

Plan B is to have another baby. like yesterday. well lose weight then get pregnant then have another baby.

we made up and i ate pizza

We fought and argued all day. got ALL of our issues regurgitated and flushed and ordered Dominos for dinner. Go figure.

I am ok with that. Since my only goal right now eating wise is NO SWEETs.

Soon I will add to my eating goals but for right now I needed to get my sugar addiction under control.

Wanna know my trick?? When I: see, want or are offered sweets in my head I just say "sure have the damn cookie, you dont really need your eye sight or your feet right?"

it works for now.

I signed up to do the "biggest loser" competition with my peeps at work. Again.

Last time I lost a total of 2lbs and really I am not sure I can really claim even that because the final weigh involved me in taking off various layers of clothing so that I would not end up owing those Nazis any more money.

Can you ever really look your superviser in the face again when you weighed in front of her in a teeshirt, socks and your panties??

She assured me that she got naked as well, but I am not so sure that she just was trying to make me feel less like a fool.

In my own defense when we started it was still hot and I wore skirts and light shirts and by the final weigh in I was wearing 2 shirts and jeans. Ok ya I am giving excuses. I am pretty sure I never "dieted" the whole 3 months. Every 2 weeks when we weighed in I would just pray there was not a gain on the scale because I hate giving money away.

But now we are starting over from scratch.

and you better believe I wore like 14 layers to give myself a "buffer" of sorts because you pay wether you stay the same or gain.

OMG reading this over I feel like a loser...

No desserts for over a week now, made it to the gym twice and walked in the neighborhood once and I am down 1.5 lbs.

P.S My husband is still annoying me. His work is stressful, my work is stressful and our kid was sick earlier in the week. Not a good combination. I miss the days of staying home with my kid, life was so less complicated and so more enjoyable.

Marriage

Me & hubs have not been on the same level recently. Basically I think we hate each other and I am not sure why. Blah. and Bleh. Because it sucks and makes me want to eat and hibernate in my bed.

I know it will get better, we have been together for going on 10 years so this is not the first time we have been "off" but I just wish it would hurry up and be over.

I wish i could "therapize" us and me and him and make it all better but life does not really work that way. So instead he will play his video games and I will blog and when our mutual stresses calm down we will like each other again. I hope.

i have a love/hate relationship with BL.

they always portray fat people as so sad and hopeless and friendless and loveless and spineless and self esteemless.

I know it makes good tv but geez cant they have one person a season who actually likes themselves A LITTLE BIT???

U know a person who loves them selves and cheesecake?

A new year. i love it.

2010 Goals

exercise 3x a week

apply for Phd Program

try 1 new thing a month


Hey fatgirl! shouldnt your goals be like lose 100 lbs run a marathon eat healthy exericise everyday for 3 hours...

nope

had those...they didnt work out so well for me.

I want to complete my goals this year.

Note of encouragement to myself.

Dear self,
You rock! Keep it up and add some more.
xoxo
the sexy beast